Parallels Between Christian Marriage Advice & Advice for Dealing with Narcissists

Note: There are wonderful resources out there for marriage materials such as The Gottman Institute, and wonderful resources for Christians specifically, such as Bare Marriage. There are also many awful resources that have been uplifted and celebrated in Christian culture. The advice in these materials has led to harm, anguish, and abuse. Although people like Lori Alexander and the Pearls are mostly talked about in fundamentalist circles, some of their principles have bled into mainstream Christianity. It's vitally important to stay aware of these harmful principles — and why they are harmful — so that we do not practice them in our own lives or give damaging advice to others.

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"I make sure I never correct him about anything. Even if we're going in the wrong direction while driving, or if he gives incorrect information to someone, I don't bring attention to it. I know how much it hurts him, so I honor him by ignoring it."

This description of a marriage dynamic popped in my brain randomly. The woman had been detailing the concept of "respect" she had for her husband. It had been several years since I heard it but I remembered that it sounded strange at the time, and I had considered how fragile a person must be to not have the capacity to be corrected on such minor things. But playing this back recently, it sounded vaguely reminiscent of something else. Where had I heard this kind of advice before? It was sort of like an itch in my brain that I couldn't quite reach, but then it hit me: I had read similar advice given to people that are working for narcissistic bosses.

According to PsychologyToday: “Narcissism is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, a need for excessive admiration, and the belief that one is unique and deserving of special treatment.” People exhibiting narcissism are often incredibly sensitive to hurt feelings and struggle to receive any constructive criticism.

As I began turning over this concept in my head, I realized that there was a striking similarity between Christian marriage advice I had heard in past Christian circles and the advice given to people that work for a narcissistic boss. However, I had heard much of this advice second- or third-hand, and I wasn't sure that it was actually written down anywhere. It was certainly a problematic aspect of the culture, but were self-proclaimed marriage experts really giving advice to wives as if their husbands were narcissists?

Turns out, they were.

It was far too easy to find. Between glancing through a few well-known authors' websites and asking some friends what materials they knew, the amount of information soon became overwhelming. As a result, this blog would not be easily read if I included every source and quote that had parallel advice. Do not take this as a comprehensive review of the existing parallels, but rather a sampler platter. There is plenty more out there; these are just examples.

At any rate, the stark parallels jumped out. Here are a few of the similarities I found:

Expectations

When dealing with a narcissistic boss, Forbes recommends lowering your expectations of your boss, even if they have unrealistically high expectations of you: “When communicating with them, it's best to take a detached approach and not expect too much from them.” They also recommend attempting to understand the boss's perspective: "These individuals tend to crave admiration and recognition, perhaps due to being raised by narcissistic parents or as a coping mechanism for childhood trauma."

In a similar way, managing expectations of husbands is a hot topic among Christian marriage writers. I had heard many times that women had too high of expectations for their husbands. But when I listened to said expectations, I was puzzled. Wives just wanted help around the house, or to be shown affection, or for their favorite flower to be remembered, or to not be belittled by their husbands. Lori Alexander of The Transformed Wife (TTW) seems to be fine with these very low expectations going unmet. Ken Alexander, Lori's husband, said this about his wife's ministry, which Lori posted on her blog: “...TTW is teaching this important lesson that wives need to lower their expectations and give up the ‘need’ for appreciation.” 

Debi and Michael Pearl also feel as if simple expectations can be threatening to the whole family. The Pearls have been at the center of criticism as their teachings have been linked to three separate murders of children whose parents claimed to have been following the "discipline" tactics described in their book To Train up a Child. Their marriage advice isn't much better. A reader sent in a letter asking the Pearls what to do about her husband who did not want to be involved with the children and would not help with homeschooling. Debi told her that she needed to do a "personal study of Proverbs 31, Esther, Ruth, and Sarah" so that she could develop the ability to see from her husband's point of view. Michael's advice? "Children may suffer a lack in their education and personality when they don’t have more involvement from their father, but they will not be rebellious, disrespectful of authority, and dishonoring of their mother unless mother is bothered by her husband’s lack of participation. Given the father’s lack of interest, the kids may have an incomplete education, but don’t let your attitude leave them with an incomplete soul." Essentially, this woman should set aside her expectation that the children's father do the bare minimum for his kids.

Both highlight the importance of keeping expectations low in order to not cause upheaval in the relationship.

Tip-Toe Around Him

Harvard Business Review advises employees to not challenge their boss. When suggesting something, they recommend framing it in a way that benefits the narcissist. That way, the narcissist does not feel threatened by being called out.

The Transformed Wife says, “Don’t get upset when he shuts you down.” Wives are not to rock the boat when they feel as if their husbands have done something wrong. They should not speak up when they have been wronged, because they must respect their husbands no matter what.

Similarly, in For Young Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice warn girls that if a boy is angry with them, that is a sign she has disrespected him. Girls should take this into consideration so that they don't disrespect other boys in the future.

In both circumstances, the importance of walking on eggshells is highlighted, otherwise, the consequence will be anger due to sensitivity.

Stroke His Ego

Literally. Harvard Business Review recommends complimenting a narcissistic boss. Contrary to how they appear, narcissists have very low self-esteem, so they rage at critique and bathe in compliments. Even more so, “Another way to gain your manager’s favor is to make him look good in front of his boss.” Not only will you make him feel good about himself, but you will also make him feel like he has the security of your support.

The Transformed Wife notes that wives should "Publicly embarrass him with compliments" and "Look up and smile at him when he enters the room." On the topic of correcting your husband in front of others, Carey and Mindi Green say this: "Imagine that you and your husband are at at small group Bible study together. Your husband does something that embarrasses you, or says something you think might have been offensive. The worst thing you can do is correct him, right there in front of the entire group. It’s likely to come across to him like you’re chiding him, correcting his behavior like you would one of the children, and he’s going to feel disrespected." Simply put, a husband's sense of respect is so fragile that even his wife defending herself is a threat to his well-being.

In both situations, the fragility of the narcissist/husband is acknowledged. The advice is to overcompensate with compliments and keep the peace at the expense of the truth.

Avoid Triggers

UW Medicine notes that, “For narcissists, anything that threatens their self-image can instigate retaliatory behavior." They recommend avoiding anything that might trigger the narcissist to lash out. It's a game of walking on eggshells if you want to stay on neutral terms with your boss.

In response to a wife experiencing physical abuse, Debi Pearl writes in Created to Be His Helpmeet that she should “avoid provoking him" and work on respecting him. There should be no defense or calling him out, just doing whatever she can to placate him.

In both scenarios, the advice is to dodge landmines of rage. The offense should not be acknowledged as it will only lead to more retaliatory behavior.

The Difference

While there are many startling similarities to the advice given to these two groups, there’s also a startling difference.

All of the sources cited for dealing with a narcissistic boss also included several other suggestions: practice self-care, set boundaries, tend to your self-esteem, seek support, and know when and how to get out. The marriage advice-givers provided no such suggestions — quite the opposite, in fact, as demonstrated in the advice given by the Pearls to stay in abusive situations.

Wives of harsh husbands are instead instructed to pray, study their Bibles, and make themselves as small as possible in hopes that nothing they do will upset their husbands who are deserving of nothing but unconditional respect and adoration.

Being involved in this culture for many years, I learned that, according to people like the Alexanders and the Pearls, women need love and men need respect. Men are very sensitive to being disrespected, so women must perform something akin to unconditional worship to make sure their husbands never feel threatened. I didn't hear nearly as much about how wives should be loved, but occasionally there was an expectation set that wives would be outlandishly emotional and overreact, especially during her period, but that husbands should tolerate her anyway.

There was even a book by Emmerson Eggerichs called Love & Respect. Through a study of Christian marriage books, Joanna Sawatsky, Rebecca Lindenbach, and Sheila Wray Gregoire have identified this book as being one of the most harmful books available on the topic of Christian marriage. You can get a free one-pager on what is so wrong with that book here. I won't rehash it all, but I want to point out that Eggerichs assertion that women primarily need love while men primarily need respect is in no way supported by empirical research, despite his citation of a skewed statistic.

I hope that more research continues to be done in this area, because I have a theory on what's happening here. I do see how many men—but not all—are sensitive to criticism. However, I think it has little to do with a fundamental gender difference, and much more to do with how little boys are raised.

Between my own experiences in various church and Christian community settings, and in talking to other people about their experiences, it seems like there are some key differences between how little boys and little girls are raised in the Christian culture. While many of these differences carry over into the rest of the world, there is an added layer of spirituality in Christianity, meaning not only are certain benign things labeled as bad, but in some cases, sinful. 

Little boys' emotions. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've heard phrases like, "Only little girls cry," or "Stop being such a baby" or "Are you on your period or something?" directed at boys, some of which being very young. Accusations that the emotions boys feel are feminine or gay* abound. On the other hand, girls are expected to be emotional, so while they often experience their own lessons in emotional repression, their emotions aren't gendered to make them feel like an outsider. As a result of this difference, boys get little to no guidance on emotional regulation, emotional awareness, or emotional intelligence, all of which are vital skills that contribute to healthy relationships.

They are told to man up. They aren't allowed to have moments of weakness. From the time they are little, they are encouraged to stuff down any self-consciousness and emotion so that they can lead. Instead of actually feeling strong, they are often playing the part. So when someone questions them or critiques them, they don't have any substance except anger with which to respond.

They don't receive the same kind of nurture that little girls receive from their mothers and fathers. Since they can't be emotional or weak, they don't develop the kind of security many little girls develop. They are constantly seeking a sense of safety and assurance. If those things aren't in place early on, it can be a struggle to find them later in life—though not impossible. However, it takes self-awareness, and when your church is telling you that your sensitivity to disrespect is due to your being male, why would you ever look to change?

All of these dynamics lead to fragility. In their egos, their self-esteem, and their self-efficacy.

They can't be expected to be any more than they are because that would imply they are inadequate. They have to be worshiped so that they don't feel less-than. They have to be tip-toed around to avoid their anger. They have to be fed a steady stream of compliments to prop up their self-esteem because they can't find security in themselves. 

Instead of giving men the space and resources to deal with these things so that they can be healthier people, these Christian writers and leaders have demanded that wives refrain from necessary critique and defense in the name of it being "sinful."

Women are asked to preserve a man's pride. When Christian marriage advice looks like advice for dealing with narcissists, what's that say about the character of these supposed Christian men? What does that say about the culture that defends and perpetuates this dynamic?

Anyone who expects you to make yourself small so that they feel comfortable is not seeking respect but domination — they wish to rule over you. ... Sound familiar?

Genesis 3:16. It wasn't meant to be this way.

What if, in neglecting men and their emotional baggage, we've also neglected to call out how the experiences and trauma they carry have led to a sensitive self-esteem that can't bear to be questioned?

In essence, proponents of these principles have coddled men's hurt instead of doing things to prevent it in the first place, and then blamed women for not being small enough.

What I found through this study was sobering: some Christian marriage advice sounds like advice for dealing with narcissists because it is advice for dealing with narcissists — men who are prone to rage at perceived disrespect because they didn't receive needed security and emotional development as they grew up.

This advice sets an incredibly low bar for marriage, and one that does not reflect the love of God. The advice is belittling not only for women, but also for men. Women should be valued just as much as men, and men should receive the support and healing resources they need to be more secure in themselves.

This is where holding to strict gender roles becomes damaging. 

All children need love, nurture, and security. 

All people need love and respect to flourish in healthy relationships.

All people need to have a sense of internal security and self-esteem so that they can receive critique and continue to be better to those around them, and to have peace with themselves.

I want better for men. It absolutely breaks my heart that this system that claims to be built on holy principles has caused men so much damage, and instead of addressing that hurt, it keeps twisting the facts to keep the harmful cycles in place. I want men to be secure enough in themselves that they can handle their wives expressing how they have been hurt or how they don't feel loved, and then react appropriately. I want men to feel peace and security without having to be constantly affirmed by everyone around them.

I've seen the difference in my own life. The men I know that were either raised in nurturing environments or that did the work later in life are not men that need to be treated like narcissists. They listen to critique and adjust as needed. They are thoughtful. They are caring. If they are married, they go out of their way to make sure their wives feel supported as partners. They put to shame the horribly low expectations set out by far too many church leaders today, and they prove that it is possible to be more than the low bar that has been set for them.

I want better for women. I want them to actually be safe in relationships, not just with their partners, but also with the Christian leaders in their lives giving them marriage advice. I want women to be seen as absolute equals, because they are, and to be valued and protected just as much as men.

Such a disservice has been done to all people by preaching these harmful teachings. We have to do better.

In a marriage, both people should be capable of listening and appropriately responding to critical feedback — how the other partner has hurt them, what they can be doing to better love their partner, and whatever other sensitive subject that might arise.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. We have to be comfortable with challenging leaders and authors who write such awful, harmful advice. We have to be diligent to consider what this advice says about the culture, and whether it is reinforcing harm or promoting health and flourishing.

The next hurdle, however, is the fact that so much healing can come from therapy—a practice that is often demonized in Christian communities. But the evidence is there. Therapy works. It's important to get connected to someone trained in the effects of trauma and other mental health topics, which means that biblical counseling is not a viable option for these situations. You can read more about why here.

We have to do better for everyone. For a faith that is so vocal about protecting family, marriage, and individuals, it's time to step up and do the work.

*There's nothing wrong with being gay, but accusations of being gay are often used as an insult or condemnation in Christian communities.