Faith & Doubt

 

I want to hear You. 

Are You there?

Of course You are. I know that. But sometimes it just gets so loud. I get so caught up in wondering if I'm believing the correct thing that I look to other people to make sure I'm doing Christianity right instead of looking to your Word to see if I'm representing Christ right. It's just so hard when it seems like I'm standing alone. 

~

Let's talk about doubts.

Let's talk about what it feels like to question everything you believe. Sometimes daily.

Let's talk about the assault of information, opinions, evidence, scowling, praising, and conflict we encounter hourly. 

Or maybe it's just me?

We're not supposed to have doubts, right? It makes us look weak in our faith. Some will scoff and say, "Well you've strayed! That's your fault."

But my faith was not my own until I doubted.

My faith was weak until I put it to the test. 

Because I've found that the God of the universe can handle my questions. He can handle my fears and uncertainties and wandering. 

I have a theory. We are so scared of doubts in Christianity that we keep them to ourselves. We don't explore them, or challenge them, or even try to disprove them. We shove them into a box and stuff it in the basement of our hearts. And eventually... eventually for some, the doubts win. They never take the time to unpack the doubts. Just keep stuffing boxes, filling up the basement until there's no room left. The mess is too overwhelming to tackle, and by the looks of it, it seems like there can't possibly be any hope left. And then? Since the mess is too big to handle, instead of surrendering and unpacking each box, they burn the house down. 

It takes guts to sit down and sort it all down. It's oddly easier to just give up rather than engage with the uncertainties. 

I bet you can easily name several people — friends and known church leaders alike — who have renounced their faith in the past two years. Lately, it's been hard to handle the doubts when the only doubters I see are also the renouncers. No wonder why so many people walking away. We shun anyone showing examples of having healthy, normal doubts...but it doesn't have to be that way.

So here I am, acknowledging the questions and confusion and laying it all down before God. He's got this.

Please. Don't pack the box and shove it in the basement.

 ~

Writing these words was terrifying. I didn't want to admit to the thoughts that occasionally enter my mind, even though I always tell other people they are okay. The list of reasons for my fear is long, and I won't get into that here. But if you're feeling the same way, let's talk about it. Although it was scary to write exactly what I was thinking and feeling, it was also incredibly healing.

My motivation in sharing these thoughts is to show that it's okay to have doubts sometimes. I've known many who have begun to doubt and then think they must not believe anything at all. When I look around, I can't really blame them for thinking that. All around us we see doubters who suddenly walked away from their faith. We don't necessarily see people who doubt, search, and then move forward with strengthened faith. And while I believe we need to be striving for a certain level of assurance and not living in a perpetual state of "I'm not really sure if I believe," we still need to remember that we are human. Faith requires a certain level of trusting without knowing. Naturally, that process is going to be difficult at times.

I hope that we can be vulnerable with each other in that way. It doesn't have to be from a stage or in a book or on social media. But I hope that we can be honest about it with those we trust, and that those conversations would bring healing and encouragement, not shame and self-loathing. 

 ~

Sometimes I have doubts about what I believe. But there are two things to which I always return. The first is the amount of evidence that supports the historical integrity of the Bible, the existence of Jesus, and the events of His life. The second is the undeniable way I have seen God work in me and in my life. Are there things I don't understand? Yes. Absolutely. I would be arrogant (or ignorant) to think otherwise. But my doubts don't mean I'm walking away from my faith. They just mean I'm growing. 

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1